I am a white woman. I was raised believing in white superiority. I was made to fear people of color. Went to white churches. Lived in white neighborhoods. Bought into the system. Thought it would protect me. But instead, it kept me from being my full self. It told me my role, and I have made a lifetime of trying to live within its bounds.
But God is good. Jesus is still there as I unravel bit by bit. My own children saw through the cracks in the system and are making their own way, without a white church, but with Spirit. They have expanded our family so I have a black son and mixed grandchildren. I am blessed to get to know my enlarged family and to love them up. They share their struggles, they share their humanity, and they are beautiful to me!
When I let him, Jesus sits with me. His brown hand holds mine. We lament over the church and the ideals it presents as Jesus’ that are not his. We lament over the life I might have lived if I had been listened to and encouraged as a young woman. And we look at my current life. It is becoming very different as I embrace my retirement years. I’m trying to find my voice. Yet I cling to the comfort and security of what I now consider my white privileged life.
Jesus seems to understand. But he wants me to keep growing, learning, and finding my voice. Because I know him, I know I can fall no further than into his arms.
Today I choose to keep growing, learning and finding my voice. I am a square peg in a round church, but I will not be whittled any more.
Listening to podcast recently, I heard Randy Woodley state that what Jesus was really talking about is not what we see as Christianity today. With being a native Cherokee, he has something to say about decolonizing Western Theology. He also told a story that he heard from his Mother; "we were THIS close to understanding the goodness of God. And then the missionaries came." There is much to be learned from Native Theology.
Thank you for this! It's not easy. But you hit the nail on the head, once again. I appreciate your emphasis on seeking Jesus. Trying to avoid being offended all the time can be a challenge these days. But laying aside offence to sit at the feet of Jesus is definitely the way forward. Praying along with you for healing and progress. I've enjoyed all your work, keep it up, hang in there, don't get tired. (from a long-term missionary physician)
It’s all about You, Jesus… we sing in worship songs. And then turn around to make it all about our need for power, vainglory, amidst our hubris, which could be called sin. Just wrapped up 35 years falling at the foot of the cross, and standing four justice and such mercy.
As a PCUSA Pastor, I invite you to consider us for ordination. There is at least some small spaces where your prophetic voice can be heard.
Recently, the elder board of the church I have been a member of for 40 years voted that I could no longer be a leader. After 35 years of leadership, my standing up for the LGBTQ community was so threatening to them, they booted me out. It was PAINFUL!! BUT, I find that it has just increased my faith in Jesus and increased my understanding of just fearful people are. I am getting to the place where I can thank my church for all that I learned and received, but I can thank God I am FREE to be in a place where I am not battling all the time.
So resonating and powerful. I also have struggled with my own faith, especially as I try to create content inspired by it & get caught up in, “Oh God -- don’t make your faith your brand. What if you fail? What if you can’t take this anymore?” It’s weird when you feel like being a Christian has to be followed by an apology or an immediate explanation to the question--whether asked or assumed--of “what kind of Christian are you? What does that mean to you?” & it’s painful when the voices that get to define “real Christianity” are so far from one’s values or wrapped in political ideologies that are blatantly harmful or even saying “don’t get too political” as a dismissal of real pain/injustice. As though the political and the personal aren’t intertwined as long as you go to church. Anyways, I probably can’t sum it all up here but I appreciate your perspective and ministry dearly. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your courage to speak about your pain from the white evangelical church and your honesty about being a none. We are unchurched Jesus lovers.
We both grew up deeply enmeshed in the conservative white evangelical culture and community and were leaders, but we found we had to choose between love of the community and culture or love for Jesus and his call for justice to marginalized communities. We chose Jesus and were no longer welcome or comfortable in the church. We can’t bring ourselves to try to find a formal community, so we read good authors (like your great books), pray and meet with friends on occasion, but it is lonely. All our friends are from the church, we’ve never learned how to make friends with those who aren’t in the church and where we’re currently located, we haven’t found people who love Jesus but don’t go to church. I appreciated your reference to the wilderness because that is how it feels. Thanks for your work and sacrifice. It is making a difference!
First, thank you Jemar for this witness to both the goodness of Jesus and the struggle with Christianity and Church. Second, I am an older white male and listen to you to learn, not to give advice. Third, I do I have suggestion that I would love to know your response to. Since the New Testament writers did not seem to particularly like the word "Christian"--it is only used three times and two, perhaps all three, of the times it is what outsiders called followers of Jesus--perhaps we can let the "Christians" have the word. It has mostly been owned by Empire since Constantine anyway. You are clearly "a follower of Jesus" who loves being in the "community" of those who share this trust in Jesus and the God he loved and loves. Maybe you can help start a movement toward using "trying to follow Jesus with integrity" instead of "Christian." Just a thought. Fourth, praying for you and your witness.
Thank you.
I am a white woman. I was raised believing in white superiority. I was made to fear people of color. Went to white churches. Lived in white neighborhoods. Bought into the system. Thought it would protect me. But instead, it kept me from being my full self. It told me my role, and I have made a lifetime of trying to live within its bounds.
But God is good. Jesus is still there as I unravel bit by bit. My own children saw through the cracks in the system and are making their own way, without a white church, but with Spirit. They have expanded our family so I have a black son and mixed grandchildren. I am blessed to get to know my enlarged family and to love them up. They share their struggles, they share their humanity, and they are beautiful to me!
When I let him, Jesus sits with me. His brown hand holds mine. We lament over the church and the ideals it presents as Jesus’ that are not his. We lament over the life I might have lived if I had been listened to and encouraged as a young woman. And we look at my current life. It is becoming very different as I embrace my retirement years. I’m trying to find my voice. Yet I cling to the comfort and security of what I now consider my white privileged life.
Jesus seems to understand. But he wants me to keep growing, learning, and finding my voice. Because I know him, I know I can fall no further than into his arms.
Today I choose to keep growing, learning and finding my voice. I am a square peg in a round church, but I will not be whittled any more.
Listening to podcast recently, I heard Randy Woodley state that what Jesus was really talking about is not what we see as Christianity today. With being a native Cherokee, he has something to say about decolonizing Western Theology. He also told a story that he heard from his Mother; "we were THIS close to understanding the goodness of God. And then the missionaries came." There is much to be learned from Native Theology.
Thank you for this! It's not easy. But you hit the nail on the head, once again. I appreciate your emphasis on seeking Jesus. Trying to avoid being offended all the time can be a challenge these days. But laying aside offence to sit at the feet of Jesus is definitely the way forward. Praying along with you for healing and progress. I've enjoyed all your work, keep it up, hang in there, don't get tired. (from a long-term missionary physician)
Oh, yes! That is really the only reason: Jesus is so good!
It’s all about You, Jesus… we sing in worship songs. And then turn around to make it all about our need for power, vainglory, amidst our hubris, which could be called sin. Just wrapped up 35 years falling at the foot of the cross, and standing four justice and such mercy.
As a PCUSA Pastor, I invite you to consider us for ordination. There is at least some small spaces where your prophetic voice can be heard.
Recently, the elder board of the church I have been a member of for 40 years voted that I could no longer be a leader. After 35 years of leadership, my standing up for the LGBTQ community was so threatening to them, they booted me out. It was PAINFUL!! BUT, I find that it has just increased my faith in Jesus and increased my understanding of just fearful people are. I am getting to the place where I can thank my church for all that I learned and received, but I can thank God I am FREE to be in a place where I am not battling all the time.
So resonating and powerful. I also have struggled with my own faith, especially as I try to create content inspired by it & get caught up in, “Oh God -- don’t make your faith your brand. What if you fail? What if you can’t take this anymore?” It’s weird when you feel like being a Christian has to be followed by an apology or an immediate explanation to the question--whether asked or assumed--of “what kind of Christian are you? What does that mean to you?” & it’s painful when the voices that get to define “real Christianity” are so far from one’s values or wrapped in political ideologies that are blatantly harmful or even saying “don’t get too political” as a dismissal of real pain/injustice. As though the political and the personal aren’t intertwined as long as you go to church. Anyways, I probably can’t sum it all up here but I appreciate your perspective and ministry dearly. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for your courage to speak about your pain from the white evangelical church and your honesty about being a none. We are unchurched Jesus lovers.
We both grew up deeply enmeshed in the conservative white evangelical culture and community and were leaders, but we found we had to choose between love of the community and culture or love for Jesus and his call for justice to marginalized communities. We chose Jesus and were no longer welcome or comfortable in the church. We can’t bring ourselves to try to find a formal community, so we read good authors (like your great books), pray and meet with friends on occasion, but it is lonely. All our friends are from the church, we’ve never learned how to make friends with those who aren’t in the church and where we’re currently located, we haven’t found people who love Jesus but don’t go to church. I appreciated your reference to the wilderness because that is how it feels. Thanks for your work and sacrifice. It is making a difference!
First, thank you Jemar for this witness to both the goodness of Jesus and the struggle with Christianity and Church. Second, I am an older white male and listen to you to learn, not to give advice. Third, I do I have suggestion that I would love to know your response to. Since the New Testament writers did not seem to particularly like the word "Christian"--it is only used three times and two, perhaps all three, of the times it is what outsiders called followers of Jesus--perhaps we can let the "Christians" have the word. It has mostly been owned by Empire since Constantine anyway. You are clearly "a follower of Jesus" who loves being in the "community" of those who share this trust in Jesus and the God he loved and loves. Maybe you can help start a movement toward using "trying to follow Jesus with integrity" instead of "Christian." Just a thought. Fourth, praying for you and your witness.
Thank you for all your work and persistence. I’m glad you are a Christian, and glad to stand with you.